Lost in me

Where's the warm heart i use to have?
Where's the love i use to give?
Why did it all disappear?

My atrocious behaviour,
a lost me,
a changed me.

I am not who i used to be.
Do you think i want to be like this?
I wanna break free!!

The tasks of everyday live has drove me into this state.
I can blame everything around me but the one i should really blame is me.
Why am i always lost?

Why is my vision ahead of me so blurry?
What do i want and what am i chasing for?
I found out i was chasing nothing.

I was discontented,
angry,
with myself.

I am so ashame to be myself,
i feel so neglected,
what a let down!

Ugly side

A strong man broke down into tears before me just today.
My guilty insolent cried while he spoke.
My heart no longer can stand.

Why does it happen to me?
You can cry today and forget me tomorrow,
I can cry today and remember you forever.

The one i so loved,
you've hurt me,
you left me to cry everynight...

Why do you demand a better me when i am a better me?
Why do you force a clever me that don't exist in me?
I cried so many nights.... so many awful nights.

If only you knew how hurt i was,
if only you were there,just a second, for me.
I am just a noone to you, am i not right?

I am not as beautiful as anyone has seen or said,
I'm just another ugly me,
so ugly.

Anger

"I'm fine ,thank you",
that's what they wanna hear,
that's not what i mean.

Singing for a lonely me,
acting for the discontented audience,
what a weary me.

The girl i see in the mirror no longer exist,
far away she fled,
what a story!

I found no friend,
I am an angry person,
I see no meaning in life....

I wish i could die.
I've seen enough,
I am imbecile and i know i don't deserve to live!!!

For one second i know my life is astray,
i wish i really can die.
I've had enough of my negativity.

I've had enough of what a beautiful world could bring,
i've let him down,
he has let me down.

He cried for me,
i've cried for him because i love him.
I am so sorry... ...

Altered Seasons

I'm a spoilt child,
I'm forced to be what I am today.
I'm greedy just like everyone.

I just wanna live,
I just wanna be me,
I just wanna smile.

I ain't always sweet,
it's just me.
I wish he could stop all these.

I hurt you i can see,
you think it's not hurting me?
I ain't myself.

The good was an outer,
the solemn was the inner,
who can see?

I am not who I am,
It's not always rainbow and sunshine,
it's just another rainy day.

Where is the love?

I was on the verge of breaking down.
I don't know what I believe.
I don't know what I'm waiting for.

I wonder if true love really exist,
I wonder if love will come to me,
I wonder when I wil fall in love again.

Love seems like a wonderful thing,
is it wonderful afterall?
Why do i start to doubt love?

I am selfish,
I am naive,
I just want to be loved by someone true.

The he I waited so long,
the he whom i wish to love,
the he whom i don't even know.

City life is a driving me into weariness,
this kind of life,
I'd rather not have.

Who will walk with me?
who will sit beside me ?
who will talk me and laugh with me again?

I hate my impatience!
I hate to know I am getting tired!
I hate to know I am just so alone!

Yet to say goodbye

The is the very last poem i wrote during my stay in the Philippines. I wrote this on the last day when we left around 4am in the morning. To me, it's the best i've written among the 3 poems...

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Morning was still dark,
the sun has yet to rise.
Empty was the streets,
silence filled the streets.

I looked at the road ahead of me,
I long to see you,
I waited ... ...
There wasn't any figure of you coming to me.

Dark was the morning,
sour was my eyes,
I started to cry.
I've yet to say goodbye.

As the sun starts to light the day,
I wonder if you're awake,
I wonder if you feel the same,
I wonder if you didn't wish we'll part.

Time is my fear,
for I wonder if we'll ever meet again.
To meet, to know and then to part,
is the saddest tale of the human's heart!

Goodbye Summer

This next poem was also written on the 7th of may 2005 in the attic of the house in the Philippines. I was up alone in the attic overlooking the beach and emotions just start to play with me....

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A soul created in two different worlds,
leaving was the cause of tears.
Heartaches that were lost in, "why".

Waiting has become impatient
impatience has turned into a frail of hope,
impatience that slips into sorrows.

Goodbye doesn't mean forever but!
forever doesn't exist,
goodbye is a tear away..

The world ever changing,
my hands keeps slipping away from hope,
hold me tight!!

Never let go of my fragile heart,
never look up to a weary heart,
never say goodbye to me....

Summer night

I've written three poems during my stay in the Philippines. This first poem was written on the 7th of May 2005 in the attic. I reflected on the day when we were travelling on the road at night and I'm just staring out of the car window...


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Day was dry,
the day was just another day.
Day was stuck in reality.

Slowly the day fades into the night.
Night acted as my blanket,
my comfort.

When I shut my eyes,
I breathed the dung that mingled with the air,
I felt the cool wind that brushed against my face.

Staring out the window,
many tress waved goodbye,
the stars were pasted up above for me to draw it's pattern.

Are the cows asleep?
What roams in the night in a country like this?
I couldn't figure out.

My many first summer nights,
so isolated,
summer starry nights!